I’m so afraid that this get out of hand but I am kidding myself because I am beyond that. It’s in the way I wake up in the morning barely able to contain myself, giggling from sheer happiness when I look at him.
I didn’t even understand that people like this existed in the world; having given up hope on most humans imagine my surprise when I stumble upon someone who not just holds my interest but grasps me, from every nerve to all my verbs I am enamored and confused. I am looking at someone who can listen to the words I don’t say and forgive me for my honesty wholeheartedly. I am unapologetic and clumsy in my communication, fumbling for the understanding to explain this to you, I am stammering or silent and you are satisfied, content, unperturbed by my inability to collect myself here and now. I am tripping up over my own intentions, hoping to pave this smoothly and intricately: I want to be thoughtful and careful because if I have learned anything I have learned that with patience and appreciation come the things you want, the good things. It’s so easy to forget what we have when we have it too good for too long. Sad and human, so human. But the difference here is my apprehension about just HOW good I have it. Too good to take for granted later, too good to abuse, too good to get used to, too good to dismiss, and most importantly.. too good to be afraid of.
Because I am terrified and I am despicably human, and the imperfection of that is simply not good enough for what I have found here hidden in you. I am trying so hard to take this as slowly as I can, to preserve the squeaky clean innocence of this fresh kind of relationship: you have not seen my ugly and you still think the world of me. I am adding all the footnotes and precautions in the prologue because here and now I don’t want to have to say I told you so. We are all monsters knit up tight in woolly sheep secrecy, and later when the layers unravel I want to be the werewolf you knew about, because the skeletons in my closet rattle loudly and you listen like beats that make us move, captivated and focused.
The funnier thing is that I know how scared I should be, how scared I almost am sometimes, and how scared I really might be all the time. What’s reassuring me about the entire dilemma is the way hs eyes light up when he laughs, and the way I never know what to expect when I’m with him. I am entrenched in the space between your lips when I come in for a kiss, tied to the secrets that dangle out of your mouth when you speak. There’s nowhere else I’d want to be than here today, decoding the language embedded in your smiles.
Yer makin me nervous mister and I think it might be alright
Garbanzo Bae 