I am not scarred or angsty, I just seemingly think about my feelings before I divulge all of my resources into feeling those feelings.
maybe that’s the normal way, and i was merely living in extremes before, i wouldn’t know. i do know that this feels good though, to have a say in what i invest myself in and to limit my hurts to something reasonable, to things that I know are important enough to me to get upset about. It really limits the control your environment has on your mood, when you really consolidate your priorities and regulate that you yourself must be your priority; there is not much really that can be taken seriously enough to get upset about.
My emotional meters don’t spike for anything anymore really, outside of my studies and my mother and the state of a few relationships that I value deeply. I owe that to the blissful and rare conditions of my life, I know: my mother is incredibly supportive and my situation is considerably zen, compared to most people I know. At the same time, though, it’s so easy to get caught up in the red tape of your life, all the details and inner workings that can, and commonly do, go wrong.
You can also choose not to, though. You can choose to not concern yourself with all the bad decisions your friends may be making. You can choose to concern yourself with insecurities or compulsive worrying.
Sometimes things happen to people and those people, snap in a way. Sometimes that snapping isn’t violent or unstable, sometimes it’s more of a jolt, an awakening, an immediate change of action based on an inexplicable instinct for the correct or right thing. I’d like to think that’s the sublayers of a person, having background brainstormed other patterns of behavior when indications were perceived, of errant or inefficient current behavior.
You know what to do, even if you don’t know that you know what to do. I genuinely believe in a compass of human morality that is governed by nothing more than our own innate goodness, but I also believe there is a varying degree of difficulty in following your best innate path. I feel like our environment is extremely sensitive to our actions and our mannerisms; people read you so much more often and so much more thoroughly than you think. Making sure to address your happiness and your well-being first and foremost makes such a difference in the way you interact with your peers and your family, in the way you address your work or school-related responsibilities, just in the way you live your external life. Internally digging up and clarifying your true ambitions and figuring out what really drives you, what your “magnetised” and attracted to, gives you leaps and bounds of progress in figuring out who you want to be to others, in other settings, at other times. Here and now with yourself is such a different world than the time you spend out there, with other people. It’s good to guide yourself to the most honest interpretation of those two worlds. It’s good to know what you stand on, to have your feet on solid, familiar ground that is still true to you in both those settings, because if you don’t give yourself the most honest goals and ideals to strive for, you don’t really have any reason to be setting goals at all.
I don’t really know what this is about. I just know I want to be honest, and I know I want to be thankful, but I also just want to be left to my decisions and my inner gigglings about all of this. I just don’t care enough to be so morose about our demise anymore, because as a species we are too ridiculous to take seriously, especially when our self-importance justifies the petty steps of social injustice in every imaginable scenario. I have laughed to myself, and I am walking on, because I have thought long and hard about it, and there is nothing more effective than this stride, with this smile perking the ideas in my head into happy peaks of imaginary symbiosis–